I hate myself...I'm so obese...I need to kill myself...My poor puppy...I got up to answer the phone, then I went back to sit on the couch...I accidently sat on him and made him cry out in pain because I squished him with my obesity! What the Hell is my problem!!!!!! He was just sitting there, innocently, not doing anything! Just happy and warm under a blanket...Now he went off somewhere else because I hurt him with my fatness. I'm not getting thin fast enough, if I were thin I wouldn't have hurt him...Never really thought fat hurt anyone but me...But obviously I was wrong.

 I'm so fat!!! Mom made me fucking eat today and I told her no Mom I'm not hungry...And she told me that since I was out all night she has no clue how much I ate so I'll just have to eat a little more. So I took three bites and it still wasn't good enough! I want to cry...And I can't fucking exercise because it'll put THC in my system and I have a fucking drug test Monday.  A great thing about getting a job is that I won't have any time to eat...And I'll be doing a lot of physical things...I was doing so well too...And then this drug business. That'll teach me to smoke pot. I'm so stupid.

 You know what's great? My best friend only wants me as a backup friend. I guess this time apart has made me realize how superficial our friendship really is. I mean, at one point I would have told her anything...Done anything at all for her...And now, I don't want to tell her anything and I barely want to spend time with her. Isn't that terriable? I'm such a bad person...And now is no time for me to be burning bridges..It doesn't matter, I don't need friends.

 Okay, so I just checked the community and there's this girl who's bashing on people who eat. Just about made me cry. I lose five pounds, I KNOW it's not enough! I know it will never be enough! But why can't people just let me fucking think that if I just stop eating for long enough that I will be enough. And 120 IS under weight for my height. I'm a fucking giant! Okay?! I know that! I know I'm gross, I know I need to go kill myself...I was feeling alright...And you know no matter how fucking anorexic you get you can't function on nothing but water for more than seven days. I fucking hate myself...And that stupid chick...Why couldn't she just keep her nasty comments to herself? Bitch.

 The scale tells me I lost five pounds because of my spring break fast type thing...Which is great...But I look even more disgusting if at all possiable!! I don't understand...I really don't...My clothes are fitting a little looser...But I look disgusting! I don't understand, I really don't...It doesn't make sense!!! If I lose weight, I should look better...Not worst! Maybe I'm just bloated....My scale isn't tricking me...I checked it first. I was feeling great...300 cal today, cereal, broccolli, and I had some peanutbutter+chocolate. I know,peanutbutter and chocolate so not safe food...Maybe that's why I look disgusting. Maybe I should take a few diet pills...Can't throw up...Boo...

 Really down today...Hate...Everything. I had a bipolar attack today...Tweaked out. I hate this. I hate being this way. Now mom wants me to eat...I can't control anything so I'm going to control whether or not I eat. And I choose not. I will control my body and fuck what everyone thinks. Fuck all those who want to make me fat...I refuse to be fat. I refuse to be disgusting...I can't choose to be none bipolar, can't choose to not be depressed, can't choose who likes me and who doesn't, can't choose who dies, can't choose if anyone calls me or if my best friend is a traitor...But I can choose to not eat. And that a decision I made a long time ago...And you know what? It's one of the two decisions I have yet to regret. The other one was to get my dog. So, screw everyone, I'm not eating, I'm not getting fat, I'm not going to do what you want me to just because you want me to.

 Just fucking everything...Everything that could go wrong does go wrong. Because God hates me. Crush doesn't like me...Has no feelings for me whatsoever. And Best Friend is a stuck up knowitall bitch. Seriously, she thinks she knows everything there is to know about everything. SHE DOESN'T KNOW SHIT! And then she has the nerve to tell me I'm overreacting. She overreacts all the time. But only if it means that she's better than everyone else. She HAS to always be right...And she's 'so much more mature' than other kids our age. She knows 'a  little about everything' and what she 'doesn't know she just makes up and is usually right'. NO YOU'RE NOT! YOU DON'T KNOW JACKSHIT! She really doesn't...I just want her to leave me alone...She's the beautiful one, but she's the dumb bitchy one too. She thinks she's so smart...Everything thinks they're so smart...BUT THEY'RE WRONG! THEY'RE FUCKING DUMBASSES!!!! I hate everyone...It'd be so much easier if I just didn't have to deal with anything or anyone. I hate everyone...They just stare at me and think just because I'm fat I'm also stupid.

 So I went out with my crush today and food was no problem(for once) and yet the date was still a bit of a disappointment. I'm certain he doesn't like me...And I don't understand why...I don't understand what I'm doing wrong...Why don't guys like me? Is it because I'm fat? But other fat girls get boyfriends all the time...I guess I'm just fatter than them. He kept telling me what an amazing person I was and how glad he was to be my FRIEND. Right. Just friends. I'm always the friend aren't I? Never good enough for anything else. Never have been...Never will be. I hate myself.

 Hey girls, thank you all sooo much for your advice. I got away with only a hundred cals all day today....I played with the food more than ate it and then explained that I cook a lot(Which I do) so I'm extremely picky. He was impressed and I got away with eating very little. Hope you all did well.
X's and O's

 Well...That was fun. I threw up some blood today. Mom decided not to go out of town today...So she decided to feed my sister and I again. So, I had to throw up about 200 calories worth of food. And, up along with it came blood...I wasn't so sure it was blood at first*wasn't willing to look closer* But then I tasted it. Crap food doesn't taste like blood...No matter how disgusting it is. So now I'm slightly worried..Hopefully I'm not going to hemmorage or something...I guess I should stop throwing up...Or maybe I should push it....Only a little...But...I worry...Because what if they find out? What if I end up seriously hurting my body? I know ana isn't exactly a brilliant idea if you don't want to hurt your body...But still...Eventually your body can start to recover from that...As long as you're doing the right thing...And as long as you choose to. But, I choose not to. I choose to rid myself of the disgusting fat that dangles like my bones like some disgusting review mirror decoration. I guess it doesn't matter...If I die...I die. So be it.

 I hate everything. I hate my life, I hate myself, I hate my fucking fatness. I just want to lay down and die. My stupid sister is so mean...And nobody seems to understand. My Best Friend hates me...Only hangs with me because my fatness makes her feel thinner. She even told me the other day that 105-210 a day wasn't a deal at all. I love her to bits and pieces...But still...Sometimes she just makes me want to kill myself for being such a failure. I guess thats the downside to having an anorexic friend...Not that any of this matters. I want to cut...I want to go off and kill myself but I'd probably just be too fat to fit in a coffin so they decide to creamate me but then my ashes will be so numerous because of how fat I am that a lot of it will just have to be thrown out...And then I still waste space.  STUPID FUCKING DOCTORS! They should never have taken me off my medication...What type of an idiot takes a bipolar girl with an eating disorder and a history of suicide attempts and self injury off their medication cold turkey? And then not even bother to fucking see said girl? I want my fucking pills...I want my mood stabilizer and my pills that help with my social anxiety. Withdrawls? Maybe. But I felt a little better on them...I mean, far from happy...But not thinking every minute(that I'm not obsessing over food) about how I can kill myself with a pencil...Or a mirror...Or how I can slit my throat without making any noise and drawing more attention to myself. I might as well just do it now...I'm a fucking failure anyways. Nobody would give a damn if I died...Like My Best Friend says..They expect it.

 Everything that could go wrong...Is going wrong. I binged today...It seems I'm always binging...That I'm a part of that fucking cycle they told me I'd fall into. I wanted to prove them wrong...I always want to prove them wrong...But it seems like I'm just not good enough to do it. Oh, and my drama teacher called me fat today. I just about cried...But no, I already cried this week...And I'm a weak pussy for it. I hate crying...I really want to cut...And I have to quit smoking. Which I REALLY don't want to do and I heard it makes you gain weight and I've already gained weight because I'm a fucking ogre. Seriously, The Blob...It was premonition. My biography before I was born. At least...I think it was before I was born. We can add stupid to the list now too can't we? Today promised to be such a good day...Except in every fucking class the teachers wanted us to eat. Second period...I had a doughnut. Threw up doughnut. Third perod...No food, thank God. Fourth period...teacher wanted us to have cookies. I denied cookie.*woot*. Fifth period I went to sleep...Lunch period my friend asked me to try one of her brownies...I told her I wasn't feeling well and she kept on it so I tried it. It was a good brownie...For which I feel evil. Then commenced in throwing up brownie. Then I go home and throw up some more. Then mom is like...Oh Kitti! I know, let's get a meatball sub...A FUCKING 300 CALORIE SANDWICH!! And then she watched me eat it. A bad day...I'm going to go exercise now...And I feel gross about all the throwing up I did...Usually I don't...I'm none to fond of the whole 'twice the taste, zero the calories' philosophy. It's Spring Break...I'm going on major restriction...Well, not MAJOR...Only 90 cals less than I'm supossed to have a day...But I fully intend to bank at least 10% of my calls a day...Try to bank at least half and then if mom makes me eat out...I'll be okay. I really need to lose weight...I need to...I'm getting anxious about how fat I am...

 I have a bad fucking day and what do I want to do? I want to fucking eat. I'm so fucking disgusting...I hate myself. I hate myself for being fat...For not being able to overcome such a trivial thing as EATING. We don't need to eat you know, we just need to drink. Granted, we need drinks other than water...Such as Ensure...But we still don't need to put all that disgusting food in our stomaches. It's completely unnessecary. Yet all I want to do is go and eat. Well you know what? Fuck me. I'm not going to eat...I'm going to go exercise or maybe I'll try to throw up whatever is left in my grotesque gut.

 Very interesting. Best friend and I went to go get cigs around 9:30(sucks being underaged) and thoroughly expected to simply get some drunk to buy us a couple of packs and split. Instead, we found a group of guys who bought us some and then asked us to hang with them. They were all really nice...And we hung out with them for 2 hours...Everyone was flirting with eachother and everything Best friend and I did was 'hott':-p. I guess Ana is finally starting to pay off a little. 
 I've lost five pounds this week...Mom is getting pissed. She says it's a bad thing for me to be losing weight quickly...She needs to look at herself! She eats MAYBE once a day...And then she gets on me about it. Hopefully I'll be able to stay strong throughout my sister's birthday party...If I have to take food...I'll feed it to my dog. I'm not going to ruin this fast...I don't want to be fat. Fasts are really hard for me...I usually don't do them at all.  However...The mirror keeps showing me how God awful I look...And if I ever want to be okay with the way I look...I need to be thin. Besides...Thin people are almost always happier. I don't mean necessarily happier with themselves...Or even with their eating habits...Just happier in general. With their lives...It's scientifically proven that pretty people are better off in life than ugly people. Frankly...I'm not one of those people that can be pretty AND fat. I want diet pills...However, I'm happy with cigs for right now. Maybe tomorrow I'll try to flirt with someone enough to sell me some Stackers...

 Cal wise I was okay today...Nothing disgusting or anything. I'm still fat, but whatever. I had a major manic phase today...At school. I freaked out...My friends were confused. They couldn't understand what was wrong...Or why I was tweaking out. But my friend Godfather tried to touch me and I screamed and ran away. Then I freaked every time someone moved...It was weird. Maybe I shouldn't have stopped taking my meds...But they made me dizzy. With lack of food in my system plus meds making me dizzy I could barely stand. I still want cigs...But I'm on a liquid fast all weekend.

 You know what sucks? When your only friend doesn't like you. I'm certain she hates me...Mostly because I'm fat. I want a fucking cigarette. That's all I want...A pack of fucking cigs. If I knew someone over 18...I'd beg them to pleeeaaase buy me a pack...But no. I only know 17 year olds. Stupid people. Well, as of tomorrow I know one person who is 18 but he's my ex and hates the fact that I smoke. Everyone hates that I smoke. Why? They all want me dead anyways. I WANT A FUCKING CIG! I'm going through serious nicotine withdrawls...My Best friend hates me..The world sucks...I've had my period for 16 fucking days...And I'm fat. Life just fucking sucks. I hate everything!

 Oh my God...I hate myself...I'm a fat pig!!! I can't believe how badly I binged today...Mom made me eat a doughnut for breakfast..Okay..160 cals...Then she made me eat BK and popcorn after I got out of rehearsal...Together at least 1,200....I've had almost 2,000 fucking cals today!!!1 No wonder I'm so fat! And then I went shopping...No wonder nothing would fit. I'm going to gain a ton of weight tomorrow...Everyone will wonder how I managed to become so hideous over one day. It's because I'm a fat, stupid, mindless pig. I won't eat over the weekend...Not at all. As soon as I get out of school on Friday all the way until I have to go to Dad's on Sunday if I have to go...If I don't..No food. I'll be with Best Friend all weekend so I can easily get out of eating. I'll just go with her to my room and feed it all to my dogs. I'm so mad at myself...If everyone weren't home and listening I'd just go throw everything up...But I can't. I'm  just going to die from being so fucking obese!

 It seems everywhere I turn I'm seeing something else telling me to be smaller...Be skinnier...Lose more weight...Thin is perfect...No matter where I go...That's all I see. The whole world thinks I'm an obese monster...And no matter how much weight I lose I'm never going to be small enough. I'm never going to be beautiful no matter what size jeans I wear or if I do magically get to my goal weight...I want to be 86 pounds...That's the perfect weight. But I'm obese! I can't get there! I just can't...What's the point of starving myself? What's the point of subjecting myself to the dizziness, the lies, the pain, and the isolation? What's the point when I'll still never be good enough? I don't hate food...I hate myself. I've always known that...But indirectly I hate food because it makes me fat and disgusting. Every time I lose weight...People tell me that I look great. Even when I don't people tell me how beautiful I look...But why do they lie to me? Why do they want me to have false self esteeme? Be smaller...Lose more...Be one of the beautiful people...I just don't know if I can!!! I don't know if I can be one of those beautiful thin people...I want to be...I want to be able to see my bones...I want the world to see my bones...I'm just so tired of being this fat pig...Maybe if I show them that underneath all this disgusting obesity that I'm blood and bones like the rest of them...Maybe then people will like me. Maybe I'll get a boyfriend that isn't an asshole, maybe my family will leave me alone...Or maybe I'm just fooling myself. Maybe nothing would change if I got thin...Maybe I'd still be in this Hellhole I am now...At least when I'm thinking about not eating...I don't have to think about everythin g else. I just focus everything on hating myself and comparing myself to others...Maybe that's not what I'm supossed to be though. I don't know...But I need to be smaller...I have to...The world wants it.

 I hate my fucking life. You know what? FUCK EVERYTHING! I hate my mom, I hate my fucking brother, I hate fucking Cassie...Everyone needs to go fucking die. It's either them or me...And you know what? On Monday...It's going to be me. I'm going to fucking kill myself and then maybe THEN they can be happy. Maybe then they'll leave me alone...I hate them all so much...I hate everything so much...